Hello Jeffrey James

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jeffreyjamesmusic.com

I write words here.
Sometimes I don't want to put music to them.
Words are kinda nice in the raw sometimes.

March 21, 2014 at 3:19am
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My tiny vague likely unqualified opinions as of now

I recommend reading this whole thing to the end or not at all. Some people believe popular things to be popular. Actually a lot of people do that. I am not one of those. I know what i am supposed to think according to social pressure, but here’s what I really think:

I think some people treat equality like an trendy elitist clique. Especially in one’s early 20’s when everything is about looking good and fitting in with the cool kids. Any belief is superficial when it’s based on vanity. There are invisible social performance metrics for how supportive of equality one is and it leads to shunning people that simply aren’t as far along as you are in your journey of understanding. It’s also grotesquely presumptuous and judgmental to line everyone up to your own personal ideologies based on on handful of words you heard come out of their mouth.

I can appreciate, but don’t consider myself a part of feature-centric equality movements because of tribalism/deindividualization/group conflict theory. Equal rights/opportunities/treatment for all? YES!!! The demonization of anyone who is not on board with every assertion of a particular ideology? No. A thousand times no.

Racist/sexist people are ignorant not because they are evil, but because they are a victim of systemic ignorance. They live inside of a sincere fiction that was prepared for them before they were born. They don’t know that they don’t know. The cure (I think) is the desire on everyone’s part to enlighten bigots with love. This isn’t really happening much as far as I have seen because it’s hurtful to be disliked and when someone pokes at you, you’re gonna want to poke back. This is why “reverse racism” feels like a thing to some people but…

I don’t believe in systemic racism towards whites or systemic misandry towards men. I do believe that there are women who hate men and blacks that hate whites though. I don’t think the white man has cornered the market on finding reasons to hate people. That being said, systemic inequality is a completely different ballgame and should really be treated like a different ballgame.

If you ever wonder why a white guy doesn’t seem to understand things no matter how hard he tries it’s because you need to stress and maybe introduce the word “systemic.” If you don’t, every ridiculous Fox News argument will make sense like, “Racism doesn’t exist anymore because me and my friends aren’t racists.”
 

March 3, 2014 at 2:23pm
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Pliable

When I find myself battling with a duality it’s helpful to think of yourself as a 3rd entity. You are the handler, the one who feeds your dual nature. It’s easy to be on autopilot and not consider which aspect you are feeding (or starving). Because of the world we live in, I think the default is to feed the wrong persona, and also starve the wrong persona. Being anxious exhausted makes one pliable and, if not mindful, easily manipulated into materialism. This is the direction we are supposed to go in according to a great deal of signals that reach our brain from the outside world. We are supposed to buy things that make us happy. If we discover happiness within, we will no longer be a income resource for others. This is a bleak picture in a sense, but it’s also very freeing for me to look at things this way. I recently saw a bumper sticker that said “Every dollar you spend is a vote,” and I really like that. 

Nevertheless, One can be the least materialistic person in the world and still feel that constant attempt to be demoralized. To be shown that happiness is what is depicted on a billboard or commercial. It is always sold the same way: “Happiness: something you don’t have that we can give you.” I hope I have made it clear that you and I and many people aren’t all that materialistic and that is not really the point. The point is that “HEY YOU ARE NOT HAPPY, THIS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY” is blasted at our faces at every turn. 

Mental states that revolve around emotion are not incredibly maintainable and I think it’s because they’re not supposed to be. I’m trying to learn and realize how to accept emotion as a signal or alarm and not a description of who I am. Emotions can really feel like that; who one is. Especially long lasting depression or anxiety. I think of them like indicators. Little flashing lights that are there to simply alert you to things that are happening. There’s actually an emotional model that says that we have a biological reaction first and then our brain produces the emotion based on the assessment of our body-response. It’s not a flawless theory, but it actually solves a lot of questions regarding emotion. 

Dual signals? Now that’s where things get confusing. Though, it’s a bit wonderful and fascinating in my opinion. If two opposing alarms are going off, what does that mean? I wish I had a lot of examples to look at. I think yours and mine may or may not be the same. If it’s not the same… I think there might be a metaphor to find in what I’m about to write. Some sort of conceptual common denominator:

My exhaustion comes from being forced to exist within a social framework that I disagree with. The world (the socially constructed one) is not a fair place. It’s not the way I want it to be and I have to do things I don’t want to do. Sometimes it feels so unfair that I feel compelled to just give in/give up. What prevents this is mostly that I’m stubborn about it. I’d rather be a masochist of sorts because of my defiance than a subservient cog in the machine. So I can take comfort in the exhaustion and despair if I’m mindful of it. That is to say, if I realize it is the self inflicted wound that is an outcome of living on the fringe instead of in the fold. To treat bad feelings and thoughts as the battle scars of pursuing robust personal agency in a world that does not want one to have it. The pain is in the numerous roadblocks. When I’m broke but refuse to do anything unfulfilling. I’m accepting the pain and punishment from the system that intentionally inflicts it when people attempt to escape. So far I maintain, for my life, that it’s better than compliance.

March 2, 2014 at 3:18pm
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Dreams I have

03012014
"Transmutation" 

A mother of 3 is angry with her 11 year old son for dumping a box of cereal on the floor. 

She is scolding him in the morning and says he’s going without a lunch today so he can appreciate his food. 
Towards the end of the day she remembers he has swimming class and feels guilty. 
She goes to a place he likes (EG: “Quicky Burger”) and buys him something.
She arrives with a white paper bag and a styrofoam cup. The class is already underway. 
She waves to him as he pauses and holds the bag up with a playful “I’m sorry” frown. 
At the moment he’s about to resume swimming  a sudden a streak of blood is comes out of his left side. 
“Marcus, oh my God! MARCUS!” She screams as they pull him out of the pool. 
There is slice/bite/chuck (unclear at this time) missing from his hip. 
It is bleeding but not profusely; he will be okay. 
As he is crying he gets distracted by the wall of room and says “what’s that!?” and points to a skin-like membrane on the wall. 
His mother looks and says “What’s what?” She only sees a door on a cinder block wall. 
Marcus replies, “THAT!” and at the same time his eyes flash and glow. 
This time, everyone sees what Marcus sees. 
There is a door behind the membrane and it is glowing. 
One of the older kids tries to break it down without much success. 
Everyone decides to wait for the police who finally come and break it down with a battering ram. 
They enter the next  room. The lighting is red. There is a chair in the middle of the room. 
Someone is sitting in the chair in a vegetative state. There is another door. 
Someone stays behind with the person in the chair. 
There are giraffes. their heads reach the rafters where grapes are growing. 
Praying mantis’ seem to tend to the grapes and protect them from bugs 
There are lots animal sounds. There are lots of animals. 
Before what is going on fully soaks in two bullets fly towards them from the distance. 
The “bullets” hit two people, rip a 3 inch hole in them and hit the wall. 
The spots on the wall turn metallic and bubble outward in a spherical shape. 
The spheres simultaneously liquify and suck in the bodies they just went through. 
Then they project a beam of light and two animals materialize; A parrot and a monkey. 
Someone has found a way to transmute one form of life into another. 

February 28, 2014 at 2:35am
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Instead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApA8WiR37as 


I can no longer steal bread for my mouth 
I want to make it on my own two feet 
even though this is not my dream
time creates a longing for stability

But I never want to die   
a living is a path 
carved and my knife is a blade
defiant of the others 
death is only if it 
breaks leaving direction
to the fake

and inside this longing for stability 
grows justification for less 
soft path’ed ground may be easy to to tread 
no rivals to comfort in that bed
but I’ll run towards what I wish for instead

because I never want to die   
living is a path 
carved and my knife is a blade
defiant of the others 
death is only if it 
breaks leaving direction
to the fake

There is nothing there
curtains drawn  
your eyes stare 
at a black room

empty illusion 
of allure 
is a spirt 
haunting 

you will find the end 
begins with 
all the things 
you did 
instead
instead 
instead

When I die on this path it will be
born of scars left by my own true feats
defiant of the others death will be
what it takes 
to remain 
a bird in an endless sea of snakes

but how will I ever die 
when death is defined
as only the path
left by a blade 
carved out by others
instead? 

February 25, 2014 at 4:04pm
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no one wakes me here

there was a call in my heart 
I didn’t follow
I went down the wrong road 
I call it a sleepy bed

no one wakes me
there’s a fire here
I don’t know what I’m - dreamin about

there was a time
when I had dreams
but I went down the wrong road
they gave me a bed
to lay my head
no one wakes me up now

I hope your hand
finds me
pulls the covers
makes my cold feet
even colder
enough to wake me up
so I can walk about
so I can think about
all those things I
don’t remember now
my eyelids heavy
my voice is heavy.

no one wakes me here
there’s a fire here
I don’t know what I’m - dreamin about

no one wakes me here
there’s a fire here
I don’t know what I’m - dreamin for

nothing wakes me here
the rooms on fire
and my only thought
is getting out

4:02pm
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Rosa

Here we go again
on the road to nowhere
with no end in sight
for either of us
and I know they say the the greatest
thing you’ll ever learn
is to love
and have it returned
but I fail sometimes.

4:00pm
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Holy Kiss

eyes expire as they sit
on reels of entertainment

old tellers of stories
have gone to rest

while dreamers of wonders
can’t find their beds

for dusty cobwebs lead us astray
but breadcrumb captains lead the way

they may pass you as you sit
so follow if you’re tired of it

cause we are getting out of this
we are getting out of this
save me, hold me: holy kiss
we are getting out of this

4:00pm
0 notes

It’s not a trick that I do

so, it was cold in her head
never trusting never said
how she felt, cause she felt
like like we’re all monsters
with sandpaper claws
trying to take our pound of flesh
we’re scratching at the walls
but it’s only implied
so we dance, water plants
go to work and abide

surprises never happened
goodness couldn’t be
just selfish ploys
a spectacle
to make her believe
that they’ve got shiny coats
and need everyone to see
that their atop a mountain
and she’s below the trees

it’s not a trick that I do
there’s nothing up my sleeve
when I give it’s not so that
I can receive

It’s not a ploy to gain your trust
or an act to deceive
I’m not trying to make you
anything that you believe
it’s real. it’s just real.

why have faith
in such a dark thing
when you can never prove?
that nobody loves
and no one can choose anything
but selfishness.

feign that you’re ok with it
always reading your tired stories
allowing it to narrate all the bodies
instead of discovering us anew.
it’s such a sad thing,
and so completely untrue

it’s not a trick that I do
there’s nothing up my sleeve
when I give it’s not so that
I can receive

It’s not a ploy to gain your trust
or an act to deceive
I’m not trying to make you
anything that you believe
it’s real. it’s just real.

3:53pm
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never

I can’t find a calm place
it’s always been a mystery
and I take everything
pick it apart you see
I have all the rules
a syntax to follow
but you found the book
I never wrote it down
I told you
I told you
I told you
I told you so
part of me was broken
such a long time ago
and I stole all the winters
and the summers were never so cold.

3:51pm
0 notes

it was

"Some of the comers;

little angel, quiet,” he said,

"won’t be lazy on these and those, loo doo"